Through the Looking Glass Edit

I don't know if this is committing some kind of author faux-pas on this, but I wanted to crowd-source some editing on the draft of my children's book in progress, since I'm not a writer by trade. If anyone is familiar with the story of Through The Looking-Glass, it's a pretty wild story, and runs the risk of being a total confusion when you boil it down to 32 pages (though it might be considered by some to be a confusing mess, regardless).

Anyone, here is the rough draft of the text, with a brief description of the images that will go along with it. Feel free to post your comments on what doesn't work, and why. I wanted to do more with the page about the Red King, and how the Looking-Glass world might just be his dream, but couldn't figure out how.

Page 1: (Alice is sleeping)

Kitty found a ball of yarn
while Alice napped one day.
Kitty played till Alice woke
and took the yarn away.


Pages 2-3: (Alice picks up Kitty angrily)

"See this mess you've made!" she said
and brought the kitty nearer,
"Look at this untidy room"
she said into the mirror.


Pages 4-5: (Alice goes through the mirror)

The Looking-Glass began to fade
"Well, this is something new!"
said Alice as she ducked her head
and boldly climbed right through.


Pages 6-7: (Is on the other side)

"It's like my house, but backwards!"
she said, looking around,
and was about to leave the room
but then, she heard a sound.


Pages 8-9: (sees the chess pieces)

"The King and Queen can talk!" she cried,
as out the door she flew.
"If anything can happen here, I wonder
if I could be Queen, too."


Pages 10-11: (Garden leading to giant chessboard)

Outside, the flowers spoke, and said
she must run very fast
for at the end of her journey
she'd be a Queen at last!


Pages 12-13: (train jumps across chess board)

When she found a train and climbed aboard,
it jumped into the air
and flew across the chessboard,
which gave her quite a scare.


Pages 14-15: (Forest on the way to Tweedledee & Tweedledum)

"I think I'll just walk from here"
Alice said, "if you please,"
"but I still want to be a Queen"
and kept on through the trees


Pages 16-17: (Red King sleeping)

titpoeing past the Red King snoring,
as quiet as she could.
Toward her goal she made her way
deeper into the Wood,


Pages 18-19: (Tweedledee & Tweedledum)

and met Tweedledum and Tweedledee
who liked to fight all day
and fought each other bravely 'til
a Crow chased them away.


Pages 20-21: (Sheep's shop)

The woods gave way to a small shop
where a Sheep watched with a frown.
With nothing to buy, Alice left, thinking,
"What I want is a crown!"


Pages 22-23: (Humpty Dumpty)

Then she found Humpty Dumpty, up on his wall,
and though she tried to warn,
"I'll never fall!" he proudly cried,
and chased her off with scorn.


Pages 24-25: (Lion & Unicorn fight)

She passed the Lion and Unicorn
as a crowd gathered round,
yet Alice did not stay to watch,
but hurried to be crowned.


Pages 26-27: (White Knight)

So she went on, until she met
the White Queen's noble Knight.
"Clumsy fellow," she thought, as he
could not remain upright.


Pages 28-29: (Alice's party)

"But how nice to walk me all the way,
I've won the crown at last!"
Now Queen Alice celebrates-
the guests all have a blast!


Pages 30-31: (Alice party goes wild)

But dinner soon gets out of hand
and Alice is dismayed,
"Make it stop!" Queen Alice shouts,
and all begins to fade-


Page 32: (Back to Alice sleeping)

till all that's left is Alice there,
still asleep in her chair.
Did these things truly come to pass
when Alice went through the looking-glass?